When I turned 30, nine years or so ago, my bucket list of achievements for the next 10 years was extensive and included starting a family. As a career focused person, these goals changed over the years with items either achieved or pushed aside because living life got in the way. A chance conversation with a colleague who was exploring the idea of egg freezing 15 months ago got me thinking about my personal future again and I decided that some research was in order.

It took me 6 months to feel brave enough to seriously look into egg freezing and to discuss options with my GP before taking the leap to meet with a fertility specialist. Even then I still had reservations due to workload, stress, coming off the pill and the impact on relationships with loved ones.

My 1st egg collection cycle was the hardest - a test and learn cycle that collided with life’s obstacles! The collision of Valentine’s Day (which my boyfriend and I normally celebrate), re-applying for my job due to a restructure at work, and a cycle that didn’t go to plan (I ovulated the morning of egg collection) all played with my emotions, and I questioned whether egg freezing was the right thing for me.

Leading up to my 39th birthday I decided to complete two additional egg freezing cycles, both of which had successful outcomes. Each cycle brought with it new fears and reservations, lots of conversations weighing up pros and cons (i.e. from a financial perspective could I afford the additional cycles and would it be worth the financial investment long term if I don’t end up needing/using the frozen eggs in the future (as I could still conceive naturally if I choose to have a baby), from a relationships perspective my boyfriend asked me if I was doing this because of him (he is older and is pretty sure he doesn’t want to have kids), and from a personal perspective seeing the toll the injections took on my body and emotions in comparison to the easy pregnancy my sister-in-law was going through at the same time), and many tears, however I have been extremely lucky to have the full support of close family and friends.

The journey of egg freezing is a very personal one, and one that can’t be entered into lightly. It takes a lot of strength, determination and patience, and for me has been a stepping stone to potentially achieving one of my long term goals.

Justine, 39 years young

I had 35 as the age that I would start looking into egg freezing if I hadn’t found a partner by then… but when 35 came around I wasn’t psychologically ready. I was still clinging on to hope that it would all work out the way it ‘should’ – first the career and financial stability, husband, home and then children. But at 35 I was still working on establishing my career, was certainly not financially stable and did not have the partner to parent with. My friends who had kids would tell me that I would regret it so I gave myself 2 years to decide… I promised myself I would make a decision about egg freezing before I reached 38. I knew there were declining success rates with age but I was willing to give myself a little time more to come to terms with it.

People assume I have prioritised my career – I often get told I am too ‘picky’ or ambitious. Sure, I am ambitious, but if I had already met someone to have children with I would have. I also don’t come across many single men to be picky about… So, in a state of panic I froze my eggs just before I turned 38. I thought I would have decided earlier but in those two years prior I kept fluctuating between ‘yes I should’ and ‘no I can’t’.

In fact, the emotional toil of this decision was the most challenging for me. I constantly shifted between thinking it would be better to invest the money into finding a partner (i.e. losing weight, improving my attractiveness and using dating apps etc), or my long-standing desire to become a mother. Was it worth the costs? What else could I do with the money (e.g. house deposit, holiday)? How many cycles would I actually need or be comfortable having? How much would I be willing to spend? What’s the likelihood of using them given I wasn’t willing to be a first-time mother after the age of 45 (This would only buy me an extra 7 years, and I wasn’t keen on being a single mother either). This thought process, led to a lot of negative thinking about my self-worth (i.e. what is wrong with me and why can’t I find someone to love me). I also questioned what would happen if it didn’t work at all? How will I adjust to knowing my biological clock already ticked over? Maybe I should just leave it to fate. Maybe I just need to accept that this is what happens when you get older – if you miss the boat, oh well…

The moment I made the decision to freeze occurred when a friend said to me that it seemed in my case the core question was: ‘what is the value of having children?’ She would have spent any sum for her children (conceived through IVF). So, when I thought about it that way, I figured, yes, I would spend $10,000 to have a child (at that point I still wasn’t sure if I was willing to spend $20,000 but figured I could make that decision later).

The physical process of egg freezing wasn’t too bad for me. I had never injected myself before, so it was certainly a new experience, but easy enough. I was living in a pretty new city, so there was the issue of having someone pick me up from hospital and stay with me (I didn’t have any relatives or super close friends yet). It also required a fair bit of time off work to make appointments, but this wasn’t a problem for me as I have flexible work hours. My main stressors were emotional. I remember one morning getting ready to inject and thinking ‘how the hell did I get myself into this situation’ - with a fair bit of self-blame tied in. As this was costly, I also became quite stressed out about ensuring I didn’t forget an injection so I would set multiple alarms and became somewhat paranoid about it. At each stage I was always anxious about number of eggs. The results from my initial blood test were positive so I was hopeful and thought if I could get 9-10 eggs I would be happy. Then, when I started taking the hormones and responded well to it, I shifted my goal to 20 eggs. Then we came to egg collection and I got 13. I was disappointed. I had to keep telling myself my original number was 10 and I should be happy I reached that… I was warned by my fertility counsellor that I would have a number at the start and to be mindful of the impact that would have. I can only imagine how devastated I would have felt if I had less than 8 eggs…

I ended up only doing one cycle. Mainly because I really couldn’t justify the cost of more. My much younger sister said she will give me eggs if I need them and I’m also okay using an egg donor should the need arise. I also thought about the number of embryo transfer cycles I would be willing to have. Even if I only fertilized half of my 13 eggs, I wouldn’t be willing to 6 transfer, so more wouldn’t change that. I know only doing one cycle means I have less eggs in storage than recommended (for my age they recommend 30-40 eggs) and there is a good chance that even if I used them they may not result in a baby, but that’s okay. Freezing my eggs is about doing what I can now to increase my chances later. I still hope that I won’t need to use them in the end.

In retrospect, the advice I would give myself if I was to do it all over again: 1) Ask for help – its amazing how many friends I have spoken to about this after the fact who tell me they would have picked me up from the hospital etc. 2) If you can, take the 3 days to recover – ask the doctor to write a three-day medical certificate – I wasn’t ready to go back to work. 3) Be aware that this is going to be tough emotionally. It’s often the little things that you don’t anticipate. I hadn’t really thought about things like walking into the operating theatre and climb onto the bed myself before they put me under for the procedure – it felt really strange. Or how sad I felt about having to acknowledge that I may never achieve my parenthood goals.

Now, 2 years later, the emotional burden is still heavy. I now think about when I might use the eggs. I still want the traditional family, but I’ve shifted to contemplating the single mother, which raises a whole lot of new questions: Can I afford to be a single mother? Will I resent the financial sacrifices I will need to make? What happens to the child if something happens to me? What if my child has special needs? Children are hard work – do I have the energy to do this by myself? I will need to take time of work to raise the child, but then how do I pay my bills?

I still struggle hanging out with friends with children – I often feel an unshakeable sadness the next day. I have also spent a lot of time considering if it’s even worth having children. Having children means no more last-minute plans or going out to a meal with friends (well, not without constant distractions anyway). My friends who have children all seem older than my friends without (which I blame on sleep deprivation). Not having a child means I can still go on holidays or buy that gorgeous (but pricey) pair of shoes without feeling guilty. When adolescence hits, they are disinterested in their parents, and then they grow up and leave home. That all said, after hanging out with a friend and his daughter recently, despite the tantrum she was throwing, when he asked me (I think as a joke) if I still wanted one – it made me cry.

Do I regret freezing my eggs? No. I’m glad I have my ‘babies’ in the freezer. Do I know what I am going to do next? Not at all. Sadly, it still feels like I am (yet again) bound by financial constraints – I just can’t see how to make being a single mother work for me (I think I’ve given up hope in ever finding a partner to parent with). If I won the lottery tomorrow, I would have a child tomorrow (because I could also hire a nanny, a cleaner, a PA and wouldn’t need to worry about working and paying the bills). But I’m at a stage (I think) where I might be okay if I don’t have a child (though I have a lot of childless single friends, so I don’t feel alone in this).